So, there’s a question. Please retweet this entry, I’d very much like a lot of responses.
This is for the atheists, humanists and agnostics out there. How do you feel about your own death? Are you scared, and if so, how do you cope with the fear?
I am incredibly afraid of dying. I can go through periods of being able to cope with that fear, by accepting it and dismissing it. But there are other periods- like now- where the thought of dying sends me into a black panic. I don’t deliberately meditate upon the thought- it just catches me, briefly and brutally. The brevity of my own existence, and the incredible luck that has gifted me this existence at all, is something that can comfort me or crucify me. The vastness of space, the splendour of stars, the WHAT THE HELL!ness of life and earth and the glorious and uncontrolled, unknown universes are the same. Sometimes that makes me feel at peace, other times, knowing that is going to die, too, that everything does, everything, and even in seventy years I won’t be around to see what happens, makes me freak the fuck out.
It’s a dual rationale- to be aware that life matters because life is all we have, and to be equally aware that it is futile because when you die- and you will, oh hell, that is the worst and most screaming nerved shredding thought of all- everything you are, and did ceases to matter (and whomever it mattered to, they will die too). To be fascinated by the biological and physiology processes that bring death and to be crushed by the knowledge that these things apply to my own skin- my face, which stops being a face and ARGH.
The, “I’ll be dead so I won’t care” argument also freaks me out. Not feeling, not knowing, is horrible to think about.
Almost everything I have ever read regarding atheism, or from an atheistic slant, ends with, “NOW! NOW IS ALL WE HAVE! LIVE NOW! YOU LUCKY SOD, YOU’RE FRIGGING ALIVE!” It feels, in these shrinking scared moments, tokenistic. Like a lullaby to a crying child that soothes less and less as they grow older.
Religious people have their ways of coping as individual as anybody else does. But god and the afterlife is in general the giant security blanket for religious folk that non-religious types like myself do not have (nor want).
What about you?
Death is welcome, the dying, if painful, isn’t. I feel have wasted my “gift” of life and, knowing that I can’t have a re-run at it makes me waste even more of it.
Are you implying that atheists should be more scared than theists about dying because of the lack of an afterlife? Personally, as much as I’d quite like to keep living for at least a little bit longer, I’m not scared of death. If it happens, it happens. Sure, I’d try and avoid it if possible (don’t eat the pufferfish, don’t go swimming in acid, wear a seatbelt, that sort of thing), but I’m not frightened of it happening.
What I am scared of is a stroke, traumatic brain injury, dementia – you know, still being in there but not able to affect the world. That’s damn frightening. I hope I die way before then.
Nope, just that the general culture of death and dying relies upon spirituality as a crutch/coping mechanism, which atheists don’t have.
Good question. I used to be very scared of dying when I was younger, but now I am an oldish git it doesn’t bother me nearly so much. If you are an atheist, then you don’t believe you can alter the inevitability of death, so worrying about it is pointless. Of course you can’t always rationalise away your fears.
How one might die is more worrying, the possibility of pain or distress, than the simple unarguable fact of one’s death.
I hope to live long enough to feel ready to die, and I expect that to be a long (enough) time yet.
I have mixed feelings… there are days where I can’t wait for it to happen, to be free from the pain I go through most days, but after living what I did 9 months ago I want to make the most of the time I do have, you just never know when it’s going to be your turn.
I am scared of it all in some ways… I think it’s all to do with the unknown. Is there anything beyond this, are we reunited with loved ones?? Or will it just be nothingness?? Something we’ll never know til it is our turn & if it is nothingness then we’ll be non the wiser. Maybe I’ll be able to answer this better when I’m getting nearer my time.
As for coping with my feelings I don’t know how I do… usually I take a couple of valium & hope it’ll pass!! Not really the answer or solution, but everyone deals with things differently & I think deep down everyone has some kind of fear over it, whether believer or not.
I’m not the least bit scared of dying. I’ve very nearly done it already (I was in a coma for eight days) and it wasn’t especially interesting. I’m not fond of agonising pain, but the two don’t necessarily go together.
That being said, I’m extremely frustrated by the probability that soon I’ll be dead. I have far too much to do to have to stop doing. My life is probably doomed to be much shorter than most, but they’re all too short. So little time to grow and understand and endeavour to improve the world, with no opportunity to see how it turns out. Death is like divorcing Scheherazade.
I’ve kept pet rats. They’re really bright animals and, with intensive stimulation, they can learn all sorts of things. But they die around the age of four – just when humans would be developing theory of mind. What equivalent opportunities are we robbed off by the curtailing of our wisdom so abruptly in death? What more might we achieve if only we had more time?
I think, in terms of an individual experiencing it, there are two forms of death, which I’ll call Expected & Unexpected. The former I have seen close up, countless times, with elderly people, and they have nearly all accepted it and many welcome it. Whether that’s because they’ve had enough time here or because it’s a mercy from the discomforts of growing old, they are at peace (and few ever mentioned religion).
Unexpected death, however – I’ve not come across yet. But to be taken in one’s (relative youth) sounds pretty terrifying.
So, the example of the people I’ve worked with previously as a carer has made me feel a lot calmer about Expected death. But the Unexpected? Were it not for my faith in its unlikelihood I’d be shitting myself right this minute.
i think that’s true, and i think a lot of that is down to knowledge and control – i think people who know it’s coming are able to get to grips with that as are their relatives/friends, but unexpected death is hard on those left behind. one of my best friends from school’s dad died very suddenly when we were 12 and that was really hard on everyone, he was diagnosed with cancer and died 2 days later (he was also in jail which didn’t help) – but that was 25 years ago. except that she got cancer 2 years ago and died within 3 months, aged 33. it was very unexpected and people found it really hard to deal with, especially as she died the day before her son’s 2nd birthday.
it makes a huge difference i think if people are able to just get on with death, as opposed to having it sprung on them.
As a child I was convinced I was evil and absolutely petrified of death because I thought I would go to hell. Religion/spirituality isn’t always a security blanket.
I take your point though that the idea of ceasing to exist is a very different one to come to terms with than the idea of an afterlife, whether that’s heaven/hell/purgatory/reincarnation or something else.
Moon Tree x
I used to be an atheist and dying terrified me. I think it was the complete uncertainty that got to me. Was there more to this than just NOW? Would I be punished, and what about loved ones?
The really strange thing is now I have a faith, a belief in God, I do not believe there is an after life and I certainly DON’T believe that I’m going to heaven or that hell even exists. I don’t believe that a loving God punishes or rewards with an afterlife. If we were meant to go to heaven then why do we cling so dearly to life? It gives me a lot of relief, to know, believe, that it’s how we live now that matters and when we are gone it’s no more than an eternal sleep. No pain or punishment and certainly no suffering. It’s the ones left behind that hurt.
I’m horribly scared of death. I mean, sometimes I can just go around blissfully forgetting that I’m going to die someday, but once the thought crashes on me like a thunder, I completely freak out. I don’t want to die, I don’t welcome it at all, and I’m secretly hoping something huge happens that will allow me to become immortal. .-.
I don’t think that anyone dies completely. I think we exist as a confluence of intertwined threads of matter & information running through time. Our genes, our upbringing, our education, the things we read, watch & listen to, we inherit all of this information from & pass it on to others in some form. Then there is the matter that passes into & out of our
bodies.
This stuff doesn’t go away when we die it just loses its point of focus.
Consciousness disintegrates but most of what we are remains.
I suppose this view gives me some comfort in that I can see myself as something more than an isolated individual who will die & eventually be forgotten but then I haven’t been very afraid of death for some time. I’ve spent many years not valuing my own life or wanting to be dead or flirting with death one way or another & I think that has taken the edge off. Even though I’m relatively happy now I still wouldn’t mind if I was gone tomorrow.
I am glad that I don’t have to worry about an afterlife. The idea always terrified me as a child.
As others have mentioned, I too was previously terrified of dying as an innocent child, firmly believing I was going to hell.
Now, as an atheist I have no fear of death, just a fear of prolonged pain and loss of dignity. Live life well and use what opportunities are offered to you. Having children, passing on your genetic code and leaving a beautiful legacy of memories give me a lack of fear and a sense of purpose.
I feel sorry for those who need a god figure to give them a sense of purpose. It seems an easy answer to mentally and emotionally resolving what is a very personal question.
ooh i missed this yesterday. erm ok, how do i feel about dying. pretty positive really. i’m not suicidal at all and actually feeling pretty positive at the moment, but y’know, my general feeling is if i get hit by a bus and die today, my response (were i alive enough to have one which presumably if i were dead would not be the case) would be “meh”.
i’m not remotely scared of death, and i find a fear of it slightly baffling. i can’t remember who said that apart from birth it was the only thing we can be sure of, but i subscribe to that, and i’d rather welcome (in a very detached, non suicidal sense) something that’s a certainty than faff about with uncertainties.
i do have some slightly odd attitudes to death tho – i was “saved” as a baby (major open heart surgery, police escort down the m1 etc etc) and that pisses me off. obviously i understand the problems inherent in gaining medical consent from a newborn but i wish they had because i’d have said no. in a way i think this makes me sound like some kind of godbasher, oh well it was the plan, just leave it, y’know like jehovahs witnesses who just let it go, but i kind of do feel that way a bit – not that there was a plan because i truly believe that life is utterly random, as per evolution, but that that was how it was and who were they to interfere? added to that that it’s been mooted a few times that my mental issues are related to my heart problem (and probably my somewhat sickly constitution is linked) i tend to just get a bit pissed off – what’s the point of saving someone for a lifetime of illness? i’ve been told this is “ungrateful” and i suppose it is but (without wanting to sound like a 12 year old) i don’t think i should have to be grateful for something i didn’t ask for and that’s only caused problems (“i didn’t ask to be born!” – i do sound about 12, but i think i’m more rational than that, mostly)
this has left me feeling like i was totally lacking in control over my coming into the world and makes me adamant i will be fully in control when i leave, thank you very much. notwithstanding the aforementioned bus i will die by suicide. i don’t mean in an emo kind of way but i will want as much control over it as i can possibly manage and suicide is the only way to do that. this is more in the sense that spies have cyanide pills should they be caught than any kind of “omg i just wanna diiiie” type thing, but it’s a view i take pretty seriously.
as for the “there’s nothing after death so i wouldn’t care” thing – i actually take comfort in that. the idea of an afterlife sickens me, surely one lifetime is enough?! the mere thought of there being another makes me quite scared, so i really hope the atheists are right! i don’t subscribe to “you’re alive!!! live your life!!!” really, as i guess is clear from above, but i don’t like the idea of being docile now so you’ll get extra fluffy wings in heaven either.
one idea i do really like is that when you die you get buried or cremated and you wind up fertilising more life – that’s the only kind of afterlife/reincarnation i’ll subscribe to and i think it’s a nice idea, a kind of evolutionary afterlife, whereby all the carbon based organisms feed each other and perpetuate themselves. i can live with that
Mostly, death doesn’t scare me, it’s more of a comforting thought. The idea of an afterlife absolutely scares the bejesus out of me – I think it’s massively unlikely any such thing exists and I’m extremely glad. The idea of having to go on forever is horrible. I’m sure everything just stops, it’s like it was for all that time before I was born, and that doesn’t scare me. It’s like when you sleep and don’t remember your dreams, or when you blackout and don’t even know there’s time missing.
There are times when it gets pretty overwhelming to think about, but I take comfort in the thought that I won’t ever experience it. You can never experience death, that’s the whole point of it, it’s an absence of experience. You can experience dying, and that sometimes scares me, although it’s the living through severe pain or with no control over anything that terrifies me, rather than the slipping away.
The idea of dying without having lived, of getting closer and closer to death without having done anything, that scares me, although at the same time I don’t think going skydiving or saving lives or whatever will count as having done anything either – I don’t believe in lives existing as one narrative, where you either succeeded or not, a life is a mass of contradicting stories, and which one you pick depends on who you are and how you feel and what you’re remembering at that point in time. So I try not to stress it too much.
That said, I have been scared of death a couple of times, had that fear and panic come down and grip me at the thought of nothingness and it all ending, so I do have some understanding of why it terrifies people. It’s just not how I feel most of the time.
As an atheist, i feel just like you, Seaneen… TERRIFIED of death!
Despite how many times i have come very close to attempting suicide and no matter how much i have been desperate or how much i have wanted to be dead, the terror has always prevented me. This isnt to say that i DONT want to be dead sometimes when things are awful… but bungee jumping might be really appealing but doesnt make it any less breath takingly petrifying! As far as i am concerned… this is it. This life, this existance it is it for me… there is no afterlife or heaven (or hell which i am convinced is more likely for me if it DID exist). Sometimes i would like to believe there is life after death, be it Heaven or something else… but i dont. And the not knowing, for me, makes it all the more terrifying. Seanean what you said literally describes my feelings on the subject to a tee. Every now and then i get reminded in some way that this life is all we get and one day i wont be here to see what happens and that scares me beyond believe and can give me a huge panic attack!! All the stuff we take for granted, will be gone when we die… silly example, for example if you live in the UK and watch Eastenders… you might be gone before the next episode and never know what happens! Yes thats a stupid example but its the same with anything. And saying “you’re dead, you wont know” is no compensation whatsoever because that thought in itself is AWFUL to comprehend!
So to conclude. I am terrified of death!
I’ve already spent billions of years being dead (before I was born) . It wasn’t too bad so I have absolutely no fear about returning to it (although I’m not too keen on the actual dying bit).
Death hmmm I have a love hate relationship with it..I was never afraid of it until having my boys. I came close to ‘popping orf’ during childbirth although I didn’t know it till after the panic was over (typically I was cracking jokes whilst the chaos ensued around me). Then last year I fought for a month for my life due to a sudden & unexpected illness.
The sudden one last year was the worst as I was in dreadful pain and wanted to give in…the thought of leaving my family was the biggest factor in my fight to survive.
I wasn’t scared of death but was worried about my partner trying to cope with 4yr old twins alone (he’s great and competent but it would have been really hard on his own). There seemed to be so much I needed to tell him, organise, explain to the boys that I clung on desperately wanting to put my house in order. Yet many times I just wanted to slip away and for the dreadful pain to stop.
I ironically after making more comebacks than James Brown I got depressed during my recovery period and wondered why I had battled so hard…tiredness I guess.
I am not scared of death, definitely do not want an afterlife but I figure I am just too much of a control freak to leave too many loose ends just yet.
My life will be shorter due to my continued ill health and that freaks me out not from the dying point of view but from the organisational aspects of it..so much still to do and I haven’t even made my will yet (DOH).
I am not worried about my own death but the impact on the loved ones I would leave behind.
I completely agree with Rob..about the expected and unexpected death debate.
J
Interesting comments!
I really do feel like being dead is . . . well, I’ll be dead, so it won’t matter to me. Like others have said, I sometimes worry about *dying* and of course about who I leave behind. The fact that there’s nothing else does help me put life in perspective at times, helps me to appreciate what I’m doing *right now*. I know this is exactly like the “now is all we have!” comments that you don’t like/get, but it’s true . . . At least, it’s true to an extent: your physical remains will end up somewhere, and end up nourishing something. I like to think that ‘earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust’ is the other end of ‘the cosmos is also within us, we are all made of star stuff’.
I’m not “religious” as such though I do believe in God. I don’t believe in hell, by the way. And when I was younger I didn’t really know what I believed. I had a kind of new agey cobbled together philosophy, but even then I was absolutely sure that death was not “the end”…. it’s these beliefs that have kept me alive. In fact I’m sure they have. If I really genuinely believed that death was the end of everything, I’d have killed myself a long time ago. As it is, when I feel crappy I just console myself with the cheery news that I’m going to die anyway.
That was the big problem when I got pretty badly depressed some time back: I seriously got this idea in my head that I was immortal! Which was most inconvenient. Though it did save my life, as I thought of little else bar death in those days.
O ain’t life a bundle of fun!!
I’ve only just seen this question, and I was just about to go to bed, and should have gone hours ago, but…
I’m a lifelong atheist, but I have thought about that a lot – I mean, I’m not just going along with my parents’ beliefs in the way that I think those who believe in ‘a god’ might. (I know religious people often think atheists just haven’t thought about ‘it’ enough, and I get very offended by that.)
I think death is just The End, in exactly the same way you might have a hairdryer or a hoover that just suddenly conks out and can’t be fixed. It’s dead and gone, and that’s it. I’m not particularly worried about dying/being dead, because I genuinely do think I won’t know about it, but as I get older I am becoming much more aware of that running out of time/can’t waste my life/so much to fit in feeling kicking in. And I find suicide tremendously upsetting, because with every one I’ve known there’s always that feeling of ‘why didn’t you say something?’; that feeling that we could have helped. But I had weird suicidal feelings a couple of years ago. Not in any way associated with going through hard times, or being depressed, just an odd feeling that I’d done everything, done my time, just a sort of feeling of, well there’s not much left for me to do now is there? Why not just go? Like I say, I was in no way unhappy or depressed when I thought this, it just seemed logical, and part of that involved thinking that I’d never have another relationship, but even that wasn’t in a gloomy way. When I told this to Andy, (erm, my ‘fiance,’ so much for ‘never having a relationship again’!) he said ‘Classic sign of depression. Classic.’
Death is bit grim in that it has to happen. I’d like to have a very long life. I like getting older, it has many advantages, and I see my mum now having a whale of a time and can’t wait to be even older. But when you’re gone, you’re gone, and that’s it. I find the idea of reincarnation fascinating, but my logical brain says it doesn’t happen. All you can do is think that all the atoms in your body will still exist, and will at some point become something else, just probably not another person.
To me the idea of death as a colmplete end is an appealing one. No more pain, no more interactions, no more feelings, thoughts-nothing. (Of course I won’t have the concsiousness to enjoy it!)
I do think the Bipolar has added to that desire-the constant ups and downs. My atheism has developed over the years as well. I grew up in a very liberal “faith,” so deciding there isn’t a god wasn’t out of character. Feeling like I want to kill myself off and on for the past 20 years makes it harder to believe in a Loving God….
And I just want an end.
Hello I don’t think that just because we don’t ascribe life to a higher being that doesn’t mean we can’t find our own meaning in life. Meaning in finding love, in accomplishments, in relationships… If you know true love, it sometimes seems like the person you love is the point of living…
Try looking up some of Richard Dawkins’ videos on youtube, in some of them he talks about this a little.
Well, quite.